The Bachelorette, Season 9 Episode 3

So ABC has been shamelessly promoting this episode of The Bachelorette. America has learned from the commercials that one of the guys in the house has a girlfriend and is on the show anyway; the girlfriend shows up at the house to confront him. So, Desiree and/or said guy have a heart to heart with Chris Harrison who says, something much like, "YOU'S A LIE." At least that's what I gathered from commercials. I'm so excited to see Chris Harrison lose his cool.

We start the episode off in a very Shaun-esque feel with a dodgeball tournament for Desiree's heart.

Drew, NC, says "We went balls to the wall with that one." Okay, I'm starting to think that Drew is straight. Only a straight man can say something so lame.

Brookes broke his finger. Eek. It looks nasty. He's got to go to the hospital AND red team loses. But Desiree is going to take all of them on the date anyway (classic Shaun move).

Brad, CO has a past he wants to share with Desiree apparently. I wonder if he's the guy with the girlfriend?!?! Oh, he has a three year old son named Maddox. Also, what is ABC's issue with blankets? Everyone's always covered with a blanket. These burly men look really silly with knitted blankets over them. How can a dude look suave in a blanket anyway?

James, IL is sad that Kasey, CA (hashtag guy) got the date card. Meanwhile, James has such a sexy voice.

Chris, WA finds a sweet spot on the roof. Brownie points but no kiss. Brooks, UT comes back from the ER to sweep Des off her feet. He scores the first kiss, but Chris, WA gets the rose. Sorry, Brooks, I totally thought that broken finger owed you one too.

Oh, Chris scores the second kiss of this episode with a private concert given by some woman I don't care about. Chris makes her feel "comfortable," who knows where this will go?

Desiree gets the call. Its Brian, MD. She did the hooker and sinker with the girlfriend reveal lol. "how are your past relationships?" "definitely over."

Girlfriend walks in. "Hi, I'm Brian's girlfriend." Desiree hugs her in welcome. He slept with the girl the day before arriving at the house. lol She wanted to break up with him, but he said "No." This dude is digging his own grave. Hahaha! Girls like, "I've got evidence. I've got pictures from that Sunday." Girlfriend is like, "What am I supposed to tell Donovan, my son who looks up to you?" Desiree is like, "Get out," then starts comforting the girlfriend. And Chris Harrison is like:

lol. 

And he's like:

Then packs up and leaves.

Personally, I love how Desiree is WAY more concerned for the girlfriend than for herself. That shows good character.

Kasey, CA--hashtag plays it cool even though he lost some of his date time. Meanwhile, Brandon, CA is crying (literally) because Desiree is leaving him alone all the time. What a baby.

Also, Juan Pablo get's a group date (with other people I don't care about).

Back to Kasey,Ca. They're going to be dancing on the side of a building.

Desire is having more fun dancing on the side of the building than actually hanging out with the guy.  Oh no! Sudden terror strikes. She wants to get down. And then on the dinner there was sudden windstorm (terrifying). The jump into a pool (dumb). They freeze and end the night on the stairwell. Kasey, CA gets a rose for being a damn good sport (despite Des' freakouts today).

Commercial break...
Ever since I stopped watching television only on my computer, I'm startled by the amount of commercials on television. At one point, so many commercials had passed that I forgot what I was watching and started doing a crossword. For some reason, this show makes me want to eat peanut butter, spicy guacamole, and stinky cheese--Roquefort. I've run out of stinky cheese and I'm depressed about it.

Show is back on!

Erik, TX is excited to see Des throw a man off the side of a building. Apparently, these guys will playing pretend; who can play the best Lone Ranger (including stunts) in cowboy bootcamp? James, IL doesn't have a sexy voice anymore. He must have had a bit of a cold in his last one-on-one.

Juan Pablo isn't getting enough face time. He makes a damn good cowboy.

LOL Dan, NV split his pants.

Juan Pablo wins the ranger badge by speaking entirely in Spanish. Also, he gets to watch The Lone Ranger with Desiree in the dark. Can anyone say "Popcorn Kiss?"

In case anyone is getting any ideas :)

In my humble opinion, I don't think there was quite enough making out with Juan Pablo in those ~2 hours.

Bryden, MT is such a gentleman. I take back what I said about him being boring. He's super reserved and doesn't ever make the first move, but that's called letting the woman set the pace. Props to Bryden, the war veteran.

Erik, TX is falling in love :). He's a funny/charming guy.

Jamie, IL is the definition of tall, dark, and handsome. He's so moody. He's thinking about his father and a cancer spot the doctors found. He's so cute and vulnerable right now asking her like, "Hey, do you think you could see yourself with me?" And Desiree is like, "YES, YOU BIG STRONG MAN, YES!"

She gives him the rose.

Uh oh, the commercial break is telling me someone pulls a fast one on the other guys in the house! Let's wait the 30 minutes it takes for the show to come back on.

LOL, like I would ever harm my television.

Uh Oh, Ben, TX (the daddy) is going to pull a fast one. He takes a drive with Des before she can even get to the front door! NIIIIICE. lol All the guys are like, "Where's Des?"

And then Ben lies to all the guys who catch him kissing Des in her car. And he is completely unashamed about it!

I'm pretty sure this is exactly how 1/2 of the men in the house look. Looks like Desi has a type :P

Brandon, CA is turning into Desiree's "Ashley" (referencing Shaun's The Bachelor Season, in which, Ashley always told him how much she loved him and all the adversity she had been through and he said "Bye bitch" after she made a heart breaking video for him at the end of Top 3, LAWLS). I'm hoping for a hilarious repeat but with a trashy flair.

Commercial break...

I think I start to add photos when I get tired of typing. Eh, they say a picture is worth a 1000 words.

Rose ceremony!

WHO GETS IT?
Bryden, MT
Juan Pablo, Somewhere in central america or south america
Zak, TX
Brooks, UT
Drew, AZ
Zack, CA
Brad, CO
Michael G, FL
Mikey T, IL. (who looks a lot like Jamie, IL)
Ben <---EVERYBODY HATES YOU lols

OMG Brandon,CA didn't get a rose! HOLY SHIT! SHE SHAUN'D HIM SO EARLY!! LOL Dan, NV didn't get it either. Well, apparently Desiree really does stick to her guns, unlike Shaun who CRUMBLED under Ashley's expectations for him.

Brandon, the baby from CA: "Once again, someone left me." Holy shit. This kid makes me feel so much. BRANDON, I'M SORRY! YOU'RE JUST REALLY INTENSE AND IT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE TO BE WITH. SORRRRRRRY.

These guys waste no time. Apparently, Bryden outs Ben in the next episode. Fun fun fun.