The Bachelorette, Season 9 Episode 1

We can all agree that Emily's season of the Bachelorette was the best season of all time. Emily created a season that was so far gone from the traditional bachelorette routine that even Chris Harrison was like, "OMG what's gonna happen next?!?!?"

Now it's time for Desiree to fill the petite shoes of Emily Maynard and somehow capture the hearts of the nation. Personally, I'm doubtful, BUT I am more than excited for her home visit and whatever means of interrogation her brother has instored for her would-be suitors. I'm hoping things get violent.

Like the drama queen I am, I swore to myself I wouldn't watch another Bachelor or Bachelorette since the last seasons were SOOOO good. But, alas, bitch got bored.

Without any further ado, I present my comments on the first episode of the Bachelorette.

First Episode:

"Think of the best dream you've ever had. Times that by ten and live in it. That's where I am."
By the first line, Desiree is already irritating me and I'm already ashamed of myself for watching this. Good stuff.

Des is soo excited to be the Bachelorette...and to get paid for being the Bachelorette since she's poor. :(
Now she's talking about Shaun. "It was so natural and perfect..." Not perfect enough, bitch. But she got a sky blue convertible from ABC so that's a positive.

ABC just won the lottery with this rags-to-riches girl.

I miss her bangs.

Why are they doing a montage of her playing? Is she a child? I feel like this bachelorette is going to be trashy. No offense, Des. Actually, it's okay if you're offended.

Haha. Chris Harrison and I are both tired of her talking in this interview. Meanwhile, Chris, you're looking tired, bro. You need a "Me" day.

God Bless, DVR. Fast forwarded. Time for the guys!

Chris Harrison, we love you. You're going to be hosting this show at 68, and people will still be like "OMG CHRIS HARRISON LET ME LICK YOUR FACE"

The Bachelors:
Bryden, MT: Loverboy turned soldier. Boring.
Will, IL: Yoga kid, weird. High-fives people on the street like a crazy person.

Drew, AZ: Seems like a really cool kid. Possibly gay, although this could be the Harvard experience talking.
Nick, IL: The Magician. LOSER
Zak, TX: Drilling fluid engineer. Likes to be naked. nice nice nice nice abs. Good TV.
Robert,CA: sign spinning inventor? Looks like douche for a shitty product. "We invented sign spinning." Blech.
Mike, TX: dental student. Probably boring. LOST HIS BRITISH ACCENT. lol poor choices. What is his hair doing?
Brandon, CA: painting contractor/adrenaline junky. too hyper. abandoned by father. junky mother. baby face. He could win it. I'm calling it. He's gonna be in the top 4.

lol Desiree said "mm mm mm" after meeting Drew. Traaaaash.

Brooks, UT: consultant...CREEPY. He got the classic "simpleton" sound track.
Brad, CO: gave her wishbone..gross. I think she liked it.

Bryden is so charming.

Michael G., FL: Fishing in the fountain for a penny. Looked like a fool.
Kasey, FL: Social Media, brought hashtags.

Will needs to stop high-fiving and hugging he is sooo weird."Athena" Lies.

Mickey, IL: older brother, talked about her family. I don't think she liked that.
Jonathan, NC: Such a skeezeball. fantasy sweet? Really?

Thank you Zak, for not wearing a shirt. America is pleased. Also, take off the pants if you want. No pressure.

Where's the beach?

James, IL: Soft and close talker. "Loyalty is love." Dunno if she's into that.
Larry, CA: "I love to dance." OH GOD, he almost damaged her dress!!! poor larry.

Fucking magician.

Zack, CA: Book publisher in sneakers. "I'm glad to be here" lol.
Diogo, CA: "you look beautiful like a princess, and I'm here to be your knight in shinning armor" He showed up in a suit of armor like a freak. But he has an accent...soo...that's....even creepier. A classic case of trying too hard.

Jonathan: "this is a classic case of trying too hard. it's like a guy waxing his eyebrows. a girl will either be like, that's cool or holy shit that guy waxes his eyebrows I totally don't wanna hang out with him."

"This is crazy, from a knight, to a shirtless stripper guy, to a guy doing magic tricks.." Love you Michael G.

10 more men to meet tonight.

Chris, WA: banker, 27. seems normal. oh wait...he's getting on one knee. NVM, it's a joke that Des didn't think was funny. LMAO
Mike, TX: shows up in his white coat. But he's a dentist so it doesn't count.
Robert, CA: takes off his tie like the douche he is.
Juan Pablo, Central America?: Brought a chocolate and tried to tell her his name--> she gave up.
Brandon, CA: Motorcyclist. she said "cute."
Brian, MD: Velvet blue jacket. She commented on it's softness.
Micah, CO: Law student, wore an awful suit designed by himself. America had a collective vomit.
Nick M, NC: he wrote a poem. blech. Oh, but she liked it.
Dan, NV: looks like a las vegas guy, very well dressed and clean cut. Probably a stripper.
Ben, TX: Single dad. That's soooo cute. They look cute together. I hope he's top 4 too.

The Magician: "I'm gonna make Des disappear for 5 minutes." lol its hilarious that 1/2 the people wanted to actually see a magic trick. Larry's like, "wait, where's the trick?!"

Ben, TX gets a rose for talking about his son ALL day.

Anyone else think the ER Doctor, Larry, seems like a total skeezebag?

lol "I hate that guy [Ben]." Larry.

Oh God, why am I watching this?

Erik only has his body. lol I like how he jumps in the pool to impress her, only to have her stolen away from him when he is in the water. HAHAHA idiot.

Oh, Erik, TX gets a rose for jumping in. Des is a good sport.

Bryden, MT gets a rose for mentioning children.

Juan Pablo/Paolo is "a dream of a man."

I love how its turning into pack mentality. The guys are SWARMING. ABC should rethink this "early rose" policy for bachelorettes. Guys can't handle the stress!

Drew, AZ gets a rose for complimenting her dress and being super shy and fidgety.

Larry, CA has been killing himself over the dip for ages and has NOTHING to talk about with her and is "SLEEPY." LMAO. He keeps taking off and putting on his glasses. SUCH A CREEPER. Totally reminds me of a tutor I know at Harvard...I won't mention any names.

I want to get to know you...with and without my glasses.

Jonathan, NC: tries for the fantasy sweet AGAIN. lol. "I want to get her and me alone and then I  am going to try to kiss Desiree on the mouth." LOLOLOLOL

LMAO Larry, "I think, of everybody here, with the exception of fantasy sweet man, I'm kind of number two in line [to go]...I'm glad that guy's here. Makes me feel good."

LMAO LMAO LMAO LARRY IS THE BEST TROLL EVER! He can't go, he's the best troll ever.

Jonathan, NC: "this is the perfect atmosphere to do something crazy..."

Why don't you want to have sex with me, Desiree?

"She doesn't want to go to the fantasy sweet. I don't know what's wrong with her. I think I'm a pretty good catch. My mom says I'm pretty good looking. My love tank has not been depleted for years. We are looking at a very large love tank...I can hang back or I can get greedy and try to steal her for a second conversation and maybe get a rose tonight."

OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD.

Desiree, "We are not going anywhere because you're making me feel uncomfortable taking me to dark corners and I don't want to wait for the rose ceremony. I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Well, goodbye."

OPRAH CALLS THAT EMPOWERMENT.

Good job, Des.

Props to Chris Harrison being like, "TREAT HER LIKE A LADY, BITCH!"

Who is getting sent home?!?!

THE LOSERS (OR WINNERS?)
Suit of armor kid- Diogo, CA
Pervy doctor- Larry, CA (still obsessed with the dip)
the actual pervert- Jonathan, NC
Magician- Nick, IL
Ugly suit- Micah, CO

All in all, I can't say that any of these were surprising. Maybe Desiree is actually a practical woman? I can only do so much excitement so I'm going to call it a day and post the rest of this tomorrow.