Game One: Spurs-Heat (92-88)

Let's begin with something we all love: basketball. I'm assuming most of the people reading this are Heat fans. And after last nights antics, I've got two things to say to you: "SUCK" and "IT." If that's not enough, you can add a "MIAMI" after that.

SUCK IT, MIAMI.

Last night's game was the best game of my life. In much of the style that Lebron left Cleveland, Ray Allen broke my heart when he left Boston to go to Miami. Like when any elderly couple decides to divorce, I was more confused than angry at first. I tried to make excuses, "Maybe Ray wants to retire in Boca?" or "Maybe Lebron finally threatened to eat Ray Allen?" But then, as the Celtic's season came to a startling crash and burn, I just got angry. How could you, Ray?

Last night, the universe gave Ray Allen and the Miami Heat a proverbial "Up yours" when Erik Spoelstra realized he has NO IDEA HOW TO USE RAY ALLEN. I'm pretty sure Allen, being a good basketball player, has been making it up as he goes--trying to stay available, trying to stay hot. This is not the first time Spoelstra has had such a MAJOR disconnect with a player. Think back to January, Miami v. Jazz, where for some reason--unknown to anyone but the Heavenly Father and Spoelstra--Wade was benched during the ENTIRE fourth quarter and poor Bosh only got to play for 40 seconds. 

Spoelstra, Spoelstra, Spoelstra!

I'd like to say the Heat lots this game because my man Tim Duncan is a dynamo sex-god, etc. BUT with an all-star team like that, its impossible to believe that they can be taken down without considering the coaching. If Miami's wants to win the championship, Spoelstra needs to wipe that confused look off his face (dude always looks lost) and figure out a method to highlight the distinct skills of his players. There's NO reason Chris Bosh should be taking 3s outside the corner, or Ray Allen should be missing ANY 3 (like seriously, when Ray Allen gets warm, he shouldn't miss a shot). 

Anyway, here are some illustrative quotes from several text messages between my brother and me to give you a feel for the game if you couldn't watch it last night:

Third quarter

11:18 pm (EST) B.: "Ray Allen is so cold right now. He can't shoot anything. Too old. Skin looks like Belgian chocolate though."

Z.: "It's silky smooth."

11:19pm Z.: "Miami crowd needs to shut up so my man, Tim, can shoot, bro....Made it anyway tho :P"

No one can rival the Spurs for their focus. The Miami crowd was absolutely wild last night.

Fourth quarter

11:23pm Z.: "Lol, commentator said 'The Heat have had more turnovers than field goals' this quarter...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. Suck it."

11:25pm Z.: "Lebron's headband is too tight. He can't dribble or make 3s right now. Allen is too cold and Wade is missing. Forward all 3's to Bosh."

11:26pm Z.: "Aaaaaaand Allen misses another 3 from inside the line."

Z.: "What's happening Ray? Too hot in Miami? Maybe that Boston weather would have helped you out, bro."

11:27pm Z.: "Aasdfasdfadfsagdfdgasdg Allen made all 3 foul shots. He is hot now....Spurs literally let Allen warm up with fouls. Smh."

11:28pm Z.: "Big baby Lebron fouled Parker like a champ. Thaaaaaaaaaanks. 90-86 Spurs."

11:29pm Z.: "And Bosh misses another 3."

Z.: "Commentator said, 'I don't like Bosh shooting 3's. I don't see why he would take a 3.' lololol announcers are trolls."

11:30pm B.: "But srsly, Allen is hot now... Give him more three plays!"

Z.: "Srsly, Lebron is too big for basketball. Dude literally swallows Allen in every fake. Nobody can see that coming!"

11:32pm Z.: "WHAAAAT Lebron is going to the line? Why foul the giant??!?! Wtf Spurs!"

B.: "2 point game! 92-88."

11:33pm Z.: "Be afraid Miami."

Final thoughts:

11:40pm "That was a total coaching fail for Miami. They've got an all-star team, but they're definitely not using Allen or Bosh right. Bosh needs to be in the corner, or assisting. Allen needs to be behind Lebron because he's small like a ninja. That is, until he gets hot, then let him make those 3's all day. It takes that old man 45 minutes of stretching to play like a winner. His skin is silky smooth though. Gotta give him props for that. Also, Lebron needs to find another sport. Isn't right for a dude that big to be on the court. He literally ran over my boy, Tim. It ain't fair. Pushed him down like a rag doll :("

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Update: it's also important to throw that money on Tony Parker who was doing it big. I am super excited for tonight's game.