I'm Back! And...NASHVILLE Season 2 Episode 1 *weeps audibly*

I'm sure you've all been wondering what I've been doing for the past few months. And I'm not ashamed to admit--I've been studying my ass off in medical school. Gross Anatomy is hard, bro.

I'm like:

But anyway, I wanna talk about Nashville and how this first episode made me have so many feelings.

And honestly, I didn't really know how to deal with that. All the characters are SOOOOOOO pathetic right now!

I don't know what to do! Anyway, I'm not gonna provide a summary this time. I had to watch last night's SNL to clear away the feelings. Next time, I will write through the tears.

One last final thought though...

WHY DEACON WHYYYYYY!?!?!

This fall season line-up looks fabulous, which is great since True Blood was a SERIOUS let down. I'm glad it's over--"Suckfest" is right. Anyway get ready for more of me, kids. ;)

The Mistresses

So, I happened to be exposed to this show after The Bachelorette when I forgot to turn off my television. For the record, TVZombie watches any moving picture on the television (including interesting reflections) so one must always turn off the television and drape a blanket over it, if the zombie is to go to sleep, read a book, go for a run, eat, anything not involving television, etc.

....And of course, with the television watching comes the blogging. What can I say?

Apparently people like this show, including my mother and my sister. So far, it looks like a poor man's version of Lipstick Jungle (cancelled in 2009) which is a poor man's Sex and the City (which will cancel when Sarah Jessica Parker dies, probably)--I keep expecting never to see Sex and the City ever again and then they put out a shitty movie.

Some hot Australian dude is talking to some girl in a man's buttoned down, but these two people aren't interested in each other? Apparently, that's his wife's sister. I totally see the two of them having a sex-thing in the future.

Alyssa Milano, Australian's wife, looks frumpy. Despite this, she cheated on her husband with Jason George. I'm sure this show would be more enjoyable if I knew the names of the characters. Why don't people call each other by their names?!?!?!

Poor Rochelle Aytes, I think her husband is cheating on her with a white woman:

Alyssa sees this as the right moment to tell her that she, too, is a big fat cheater. Rochelle is not pleased.

We ain't friends anymore.

Oh shit, now Rochelle is stalking the mistress AND her half black baby. Now, she feels bad about it. Regardless, Rochelle is too beautiful to be a stalker.

"Why would you cheat on me, boo?"

I'm 25 minutes into this show and for the first time I'm bored of television. Will I stop watching it? No. Will I stop blogging? Fuck no.

I know. 

I know.

Oh! Alyssa Milano's character's name is Savannah! I got one name! Yay! Savannah's the hoe!

Asian-ho, third female protagonist (I'm sorry I don't know your name, ho) is apparently having a fling with a 20-something year old? Well, more like the 20-something is in love with her and super intense and creepy about it. He gave her a trophy? Does this mean something? This is dumb.

OH, Alyssa Milano's sister is a lesbian (oddly enough, she doesn't look like Justin Beiber. Weird). Now she's having a weird bondage thing with the lesbian (in a relationship) that she is showing a random house to. No sex, they're just "playing" with the japanese bondage rope....

I don't wanna watch your weird bondage play!

Oh, apparently, Asian-ho is actress Yunjin Kim, born November 7, 1973 in Seoul, South Korea. I looked her up on imdb because I felt bad. I guess I could have also looked up the character's names while I was at it. Oh well..

Uh oh! I think Kim euthanized someone. Ali G once had the hilarious slip that euthanasia was "youths in asia" (back in 2008, when he was funny and relevant).

Borat killed me. :(

Oh, so Alyssa Milano's sister isn't a lesbian because she's tying some dude up with the japanese bondage ropes in her lingerie.

OK, the show ends with a revelation from Kim and Rochelle and Alyssa is pregnant (even though she and Harry, the Australian, have decided not to have a baby) and she couldn't tell her husband that she had an affair.

Okay, that was dumb. Now to turn off my television and get the old blanket out. I'll attempt to not watch television for the rest of the night.

The Bachelorette, Season 9 Episode 3

So ABC has been shamelessly promoting this episode of The Bachelorette. America has learned from the commercials that one of the guys in the house has a girlfriend and is on the show anyway; the girlfriend shows up at the house to confront him. So, Desiree and/or said guy have a heart to heart with Chris Harrison who says, something much like, "YOU'S A LIE." At least that's what I gathered from commercials. I'm so excited to see Chris Harrison lose his cool.

We start the episode off in a very Shaun-esque feel with a dodgeball tournament for Desiree's heart.

Drew, NC, says "We went balls to the wall with that one." Okay, I'm starting to think that Drew is straight. Only a straight man can say something so lame.

Brookes broke his finger. Eek. It looks nasty. He's got to go to the hospital AND red team loses. But Desiree is going to take all of them on the date anyway (classic Shaun move).

Brad, CO has a past he wants to share with Desiree apparently. I wonder if he's the guy with the girlfriend?!?! Oh, he has a three year old son named Maddox. Also, what is ABC's issue with blankets? Everyone's always covered with a blanket. These burly men look really silly with knitted blankets over them. How can a dude look suave in a blanket anyway?

James, IL is sad that Kasey, CA (hashtag guy) got the date card. Meanwhile, James has such a sexy voice.

Chris, WA finds a sweet spot on the roof. Brownie points but no kiss. Brooks, UT comes back from the ER to sweep Des off her feet. He scores the first kiss, but Chris, WA gets the rose. Sorry, Brooks, I totally thought that broken finger owed you one too.

Oh, Chris scores the second kiss of this episode with a private concert given by some woman I don't care about. Chris makes her feel "comfortable," who knows where this will go?

Desiree gets the call. Its Brian, MD. She did the hooker and sinker with the girlfriend reveal lol. "how are your past relationships?" "definitely over."

Girlfriend walks in. "Hi, I'm Brian's girlfriend." Desiree hugs her in welcome. He slept with the girl the day before arriving at the house. lol She wanted to break up with him, but he said "No." This dude is digging his own grave. Hahaha! Girls like, "I've got evidence. I've got pictures from that Sunday." Girlfriend is like, "What am I supposed to tell Donovan, my son who looks up to you?" Desiree is like, "Get out," then starts comforting the girlfriend. And Chris Harrison is like:

lol. 

And he's like:

Then packs up and leaves.

Personally, I love how Desiree is WAY more concerned for the girlfriend than for herself. That shows good character.

Kasey, CA--hashtag plays it cool even though he lost some of his date time. Meanwhile, Brandon, CA is crying (literally) because Desiree is leaving him alone all the time. What a baby.

Also, Juan Pablo get's a group date (with other people I don't care about).

Back to Kasey,Ca. They're going to be dancing on the side of a building.

Desire is having more fun dancing on the side of the building than actually hanging out with the guy.  Oh no! Sudden terror strikes. She wants to get down. And then on the dinner there was sudden windstorm (terrifying). The jump into a pool (dumb). They freeze and end the night on the stairwell. Kasey, CA gets a rose for being a damn good sport (despite Des' freakouts today).

Commercial break...
Ever since I stopped watching television only on my computer, I'm startled by the amount of commercials on television. At one point, so many commercials had passed that I forgot what I was watching and started doing a crossword. For some reason, this show makes me want to eat peanut butter, spicy guacamole, and stinky cheese--Roquefort. I've run out of stinky cheese and I'm depressed about it.

Show is back on!

Erik, TX is excited to see Des throw a man off the side of a building. Apparently, these guys will playing pretend; who can play the best Lone Ranger (including stunts) in cowboy bootcamp? James, IL doesn't have a sexy voice anymore. He must have had a bit of a cold in his last one-on-one.

Juan Pablo isn't getting enough face time. He makes a damn good cowboy.

LOL Dan, NV split his pants.

Juan Pablo wins the ranger badge by speaking entirely in Spanish. Also, he gets to watch The Lone Ranger with Desiree in the dark. Can anyone say "Popcorn Kiss?"

In case anyone is getting any ideas :)

In my humble opinion, I don't think there was quite enough making out with Juan Pablo in those ~2 hours.

Bryden, MT is such a gentleman. I take back what I said about him being boring. He's super reserved and doesn't ever make the first move, but that's called letting the woman set the pace. Props to Bryden, the war veteran.

Erik, TX is falling in love :). He's a funny/charming guy.

Jamie, IL is the definition of tall, dark, and handsome. He's so moody. He's thinking about his father and a cancer spot the doctors found. He's so cute and vulnerable right now asking her like, "Hey, do you think you could see yourself with me?" And Desiree is like, "YES, YOU BIG STRONG MAN, YES!"

She gives him the rose.

Uh oh, the commercial break is telling me someone pulls a fast one on the other guys in the house! Let's wait the 30 minutes it takes for the show to come back on.

LOL, like I would ever harm my television.

Uh Oh, Ben, TX (the daddy) is going to pull a fast one. He takes a drive with Des before she can even get to the front door! NIIIIICE. lol All the guys are like, "Where's Des?"

And then Ben lies to all the guys who catch him kissing Des in her car. And he is completely unashamed about it!

I'm pretty sure this is exactly how 1/2 of the men in the house look. Looks like Desi has a type :P

Brandon, CA is turning into Desiree's "Ashley" (referencing Shaun's The Bachelor Season, in which, Ashley always told him how much she loved him and all the adversity she had been through and he said "Bye bitch" after she made a heart breaking video for him at the end of Top 3, LAWLS). I'm hoping for a hilarious repeat but with a trashy flair.

Commercial break...

I think I start to add photos when I get tired of typing. Eh, they say a picture is worth a 1000 words.

Rose ceremony!

WHO GETS IT?
Bryden, MT
Juan Pablo, Somewhere in central america or south america
Zak, TX
Brooks, UT
Drew, AZ
Zack, CA
Brad, CO
Michael G, FL
Mikey T, IL. (who looks a lot like Jamie, IL)
Ben <---EVERYBODY HATES YOU lols

OMG Brandon,CA didn't get a rose! HOLY SHIT! SHE SHAUN'D HIM SO EARLY!! LOL Dan, NV didn't get it either. Well, apparently Desiree really does stick to her guns, unlike Shaun who CRUMBLED under Ashley's expectations for him.

Brandon, the baby from CA: "Once again, someone left me." Holy shit. This kid makes me feel so much. BRANDON, I'M SORRY! YOU'RE JUST REALLY INTENSE AND IT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE TO BE WITH. SORRRRRRRY.

These guys waste no time. Apparently, Bryden outs Ben in the next episode. Fun fun fun.

The Game of Tears: Game Two: Spurs v. Heat (84-103)

Damn, Julia Dale. For a 12 year old, you got a voice. No wonder you're Miami's good luck charm.

But will that big-ass voice be enough?

First Quarter
Danny Green is laying down the 3's like butter. Sexy. I might become a fan.

Lol Splitter trying to dunk on a black man. That's silly. What do you think this is?

White Men Can't Jump.

How much do you think those SHawiffer guys get paid? I'd probably sell the used cloths after the game though.

Anyone wanna buy Lebron's tears?

Green is too green, he's fouling 'cause he hasn't shot a 3 in 2 minutes. Meanwhile, That tiny boy Haslem is racking up fouls.

Why are there two Spurs slipping and sliding on the ground? Why is Wade limping?

Do your job.

Duncan.

"PAY YO' RENT!!!"

He can do this ALL DAY. Love it.

Second Quarter
Geeze, lots of turnovers this game. Poppovich isn't happy.

Srsly, these young guns ought to take care of their body more. Miami Heat, Cole just slammed himself on the ground to keep a ball in play (and failed). Way to score a field goal when the Spurs weren't looking though. Cole is definitely stealing Green's energy from the first quarter. Let's hope the second quarter isn't a total Heat game.

My man, Splitter, is fouling like a partridge. Thanks for the 3 Niel. Tied it up at the timeout 29-29 (

Chris Anderson, the Birdman. That is all.

My satellite went out. WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!?!?!?!?!?

..I'm reduced to listening to it online because I'm too poor to buy the video. :( Oh, wait. Just lost the audio feed.

What is life?

Oh wait. It's back! BUT IT'S 46-52 MIAMI??!?!?!? And I have to pick my mom up from work?!?!?!??!?! AGHHIHJEToijao;ijt5w'o4jy'd44y5hua

Why me?

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GREEEN IS MY LIFE! YESSSSSS! 53-54, IT'S A ONE POINT GAME!!!!

.....Google tells me we lost. FML. I can't even talk about it.

Game One: Spurs-Heat (92-88)

Let's begin with something we all love: basketball. I'm assuming most of the people reading this are Heat fans. And after last nights antics, I've got two things to say to you: "SUCK" and "IT." If that's not enough, you can add a "MIAMI" after that.

SUCK IT, MIAMI.

Last night's game was the best game of my life. In much of the style that Lebron left Cleveland, Ray Allen broke my heart when he left Boston to go to Miami. Like when any elderly couple decides to divorce, I was more confused than angry at first. I tried to make excuses, "Maybe Ray wants to retire in Boca?" or "Maybe Lebron finally threatened to eat Ray Allen?" But then, as the Celtic's season came to a startling crash and burn, I just got angry. How could you, Ray?

Last night, the universe gave Ray Allen and the Miami Heat a proverbial "Up yours" when Erik Spoelstra realized he has NO IDEA HOW TO USE RAY ALLEN. I'm pretty sure Allen, being a good basketball player, has been making it up as he goes--trying to stay available, trying to stay hot. This is not the first time Spoelstra has had such a MAJOR disconnect with a player. Think back to January, Miami v. Jazz, where for some reason--unknown to anyone but the Heavenly Father and Spoelstra--Wade was benched during the ENTIRE fourth quarter and poor Bosh only got to play for 40 seconds. 

Spoelstra, Spoelstra, Spoelstra!

I'd like to say the Heat lots this game because my man Tim Duncan is a dynamo sex-god, etc. BUT with an all-star team like that, its impossible to believe that they can be taken down without considering the coaching. If Miami's wants to win the championship, Spoelstra needs to wipe that confused look off his face (dude always looks lost) and figure out a method to highlight the distinct skills of his players. There's NO reason Chris Bosh should be taking 3s outside the corner, or Ray Allen should be missing ANY 3 (like seriously, when Ray Allen gets warm, he shouldn't miss a shot). 

Anyway, here are some illustrative quotes from several text messages between my brother and me to give you a feel for the game if you couldn't watch it last night:

Third quarter

11:18 pm (EST) B.: "Ray Allen is so cold right now. He can't shoot anything. Too old. Skin looks like Belgian chocolate though."

Z.: "It's silky smooth."

11:19pm Z.: "Miami crowd needs to shut up so my man, Tim, can shoot, bro....Made it anyway tho :P"

No one can rival the Spurs for their focus. The Miami crowd was absolutely wild last night.

Fourth quarter

11:23pm Z.: "Lol, commentator said 'The Heat have had more turnovers than field goals' this quarter...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. Suck it."

11:25pm Z.: "Lebron's headband is too tight. He can't dribble or make 3s right now. Allen is too cold and Wade is missing. Forward all 3's to Bosh."

11:26pm Z.: "Aaaaaaand Allen misses another 3 from inside the line."

Z.: "What's happening Ray? Too hot in Miami? Maybe that Boston weather would have helped you out, bro."

11:27pm Z.: "Aasdfasdfadfsagdfdgasdg Allen made all 3 foul shots. He is hot now....Spurs literally let Allen warm up with fouls. Smh."

11:28pm Z.: "Big baby Lebron fouled Parker like a champ. Thaaaaaaaaaanks. 90-86 Spurs."

11:29pm Z.: "And Bosh misses another 3."

Z.: "Commentator said, 'I don't like Bosh shooting 3's. I don't see why he would take a 3.' lololol announcers are trolls."

11:30pm B.: "But srsly, Allen is hot now... Give him more three plays!"

Z.: "Srsly, Lebron is too big for basketball. Dude literally swallows Allen in every fake. Nobody can see that coming!"

11:32pm Z.: "WHAAAAT Lebron is going to the line? Why foul the giant??!?! Wtf Spurs!"

B.: "2 point game! 92-88."

11:33pm Z.: "Be afraid Miami."

Final thoughts:

11:40pm "That was a total coaching fail for Miami. They've got an all-star team, but they're definitely not using Allen or Bosh right. Bosh needs to be in the corner, or assisting. Allen needs to be behind Lebron because he's small like a ninja. That is, until he gets hot, then let him make those 3's all day. It takes that old man 45 minutes of stretching to play like a winner. His skin is silky smooth though. Gotta give him props for that. Also, Lebron needs to find another sport. Isn't right for a dude that big to be on the court. He literally ran over my boy, Tim. It ain't fair. Pushed him down like a rag doll :("

-----------------------------
Update: it's also important to throw that money on Tony Parker who was doing it big. I am super excited for tonight's game.

Saturday Trash

Apparently Chris Brown and Rihanna broke up "officially" yesterday. Then again, they'll probably get back together next week. As if people will start caring.

Trash.

Trash.

I wanna give some props to Miley Cyrus. I honestly think she's got a good heart. And she is finally ALMOST a real person--a whole lot of hot mess--but ALMOST a real person. Welcome to your 20s, Miley. From "I don't know any Jay-Z songs" to becoming the "crazy white bitch" mascot of all black men.

"I'm hood, right??!?!"

I'm sure in a couple of years, our generation of 20-somethings will think you're cool and want to honestly hang out with you. I'm glad you're not turning into Taylor Swift.

Fuck Taylor Swift.

Paris Jackson, please don't try to kill yourself anymore. I don't know why you cut yourself or if you were being bullied or if you just wanted to go to a Marilyn Manson concert. All I know is that I'd prefer it if you were alive, since quietly, I'm a big fan. And of course, your family loves you and all that shit. But mostly because I find you charming and you remind me of all the best of Michael Jackson wrapped up in a quirky package.

It's like Zooey Deschanel 2.0

Next, it's time for my favorite topic...

Beyoncé

Can I get a hot tub?

"Mmm, sweet child." Bliss.

That is all.

Why Everyone Needs to Watch 'The Client List.'

So, 'The Client List' Season 2 Finale is tomorrow at 10pm on Lifetime.

I know what you are thinking: "I'm 20-somthing years old, why the fuck am I watching Lifetime."
Well, bitch. I'm pretty sure, you sat your ass down and read those three 50 Shades of Gray books or that entire People Magazine or watched 2 girls, one cup [insert w/e trash you did, etc.]. So don't talk like you don't know what trash is.

I've been watching this series on the down low since the first season, and I have to tell you, I am the biggest fan. More people under the age of 40 should be watching this show. Do ya'll remember coming back home from school early and watching those ABC soap operas? Ya'll remember General Hospital? The Bold and the Beautiful? As the World Turns?

The Client List puts an interesting spin the confusing soap opera plot-line. In its bare bones it's about a stay-at-home mom who is abandoned by her bullshit husband and is falling in love with her brother-in-law, all the while trying to keep her redneck family afloat.

Oh yeah, did I mention her only trade skill is that she's a good 'masseur?' Uh oh. You know where this is going.

"Can I get a happy ending?"

That's right. She's giving it on the side to pay that rent. Did I mention that the massage parlor is unabashedly called, "The Rub"

That just happened.

So basically, it's a soft cross between Weeds and Full House (because it's super family oriented, despite all the sexiness and alcoholism).

So, I'm giving this show 5/5 stars for being able to be both trashy as hell and support the nuclear family, but then again, that's something that most Republicans do everyday.

Anyway, everyone needs to watch this show so I can talk about it. Seriously, bitch gets lonely.